Karla's funeral day was a good one. For one thing, the weather was perfect. Sunshiny, breezy, and warm. There were dear friends who came to support our family with food, fellowship and love on what is a difficult time for anyone. In spite of some underlying family issues, our family banded together to 'be there' for each other. It was a tiring day, but it really was good. I feel like the Holy Spirit comforted each of us as only He can do.
A little story: After many had already gone home, Byron started up the motorcycle. Aunt Wanda who had been dozing on the couch said (she's nearly 80 yrs old), "Is that the motorcycle?" When told yes, it was the bike, she said, "I gotta get some pants on. I wanna ride. Suzy, get me some pants!" So I found her a pair of pants and some tennis shoes and she was helped onto the bike. (Remember, 80 yrs old) Byron said while they were riding, he was taking it kind of easy with her going about 25 mph and she asked him, "Can this thing go any faster?" He said, "Sure it will." And he took her up to about 55 mph. She came back glowing! I don't believe I've seen her this excited and happy in a long time. Smiling a great big smile with a sparkle in her eye she said afterward, "Boy, am I glad I got to do this! I thought I'd get too bad off to ever ride on it again."
What a woman! I love her so much.
I am so very grateful for what all our friends and family have done for us since Karla's death. The prayer and the good care that we were given is hearwarming.
God is too, too good to me. He gives me such great gifts!
With much love,
Suz
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
my sister, Karla
My younger sister Karla died at home Wednesday afternoon and I'm still processing it all, so please bear with me.
You all know that my mom and my dear cousin died last year, but I'm noticing that the grief of losing a sibling seems different than the grief of losing an extended family member or of even a parent. There's still the shock of realization that despite the fact that I've never known a time in my life when she wasn't there, she won't be here with me any more. There's the sadness for myself that another person in my family has left me and, along with it, there's a sense of aloneness.
There's also, and this is what's different for me, what feels like a tearing away of something in my gut. Like a part of a set that's been pulled away. I'm not trying to be funny because I don't think I could feel any less humorous than I do right now, but I get a picture of something like dinner rolls that are baked with sides touching. Just before they are put into the basket, they are pulled apart and there are still fibers of the bread clinging from one to another. I feel those fibers. It pulls and it tears and I feel a tremendous sense of loss.
I feel loss for what we had as sisters and what we will now never have. Karla and I weren't soulmate siblings. In fact, our relationship was quite the opposite. We were rivals for as long as I remember. We literally fought as teens and argued as adults, but we also loved one another fiercely.
I have a couple of really nice, current memories that I am holding closely to my heart right now. I would have been a closer friend to her if she would have let me and this is what I think I miss the most. I miss the possibilities.
There's nothing that will change this now. The Lord has called her home and I will 'lean not to my own understanding' but will trust that only He knows what is best for all of us, whether it's joyous or painful.
Thanks for listening.
Above all, God is good.
Suz
You all know that my mom and my dear cousin died last year, but I'm noticing that the grief of losing a sibling seems different than the grief of losing an extended family member or of even a parent. There's still the shock of realization that despite the fact that I've never known a time in my life when she wasn't there, she won't be here with me any more. There's the sadness for myself that another person in my family has left me and, along with it, there's a sense of aloneness.
There's also, and this is what's different for me, what feels like a tearing away of something in my gut. Like a part of a set that's been pulled away. I'm not trying to be funny because I don't think I could feel any less humorous than I do right now, but I get a picture of something like dinner rolls that are baked with sides touching. Just before they are put into the basket, they are pulled apart and there are still fibers of the bread clinging from one to another. I feel those fibers. It pulls and it tears and I feel a tremendous sense of loss.
I feel loss for what we had as sisters and what we will now never have. Karla and I weren't soulmate siblings. In fact, our relationship was quite the opposite. We were rivals for as long as I remember. We literally fought as teens and argued as adults, but we also loved one another fiercely.
I have a couple of really nice, current memories that I am holding closely to my heart right now. I would have been a closer friend to her if she would have let me and this is what I think I miss the most. I miss the possibilities.
There's nothing that will change this now. The Lord has called her home and I will 'lean not to my own understanding' but will trust that only He knows what is best for all of us, whether it's joyous or painful.
Thanks for listening.
Above all, God is good.
Suz
Friday, May 16, 2008
Solomon's temple
Yesterday I read about the temple that Solomon built for the Lord. I let my mind soar thinking about its grandeur and opulence as I read its description in 2Chronicles 3. I read of the 23 tons of gold used to overlay the rooms of cypress. Each gold nail weighed 20 ounces and the walls of the upper rooms were also overlaid with gold. At the entrance of the Most Holy Place was a fine linen curtain decorated with blue, purple and scarlet threads and was embroidered with figures of cherubim. There were two carved cherubim overlaid with gold placed standing side by side in the Most Holy Place that had a total wingspan of 30 '. I read of the 30' bronze altar, the great bronze basin called The Sea that was 7 1/2 ' deep and 45' in circumference placed on a base of 12 bronze oxen and yet these are only some of the lengths to which Solomon went to build a temple befitting God Almighty.
King David had wanted to build the temple but his son Solomon was the one chosen, so with all his God-given wisdom, he did everything in his power to honor God with his efforts. It was public, grand scale, no holds barred adoration and honor he was giving to the Lord. The Lord blessed his works and the temple was completed, a true wonder of the world.
Solomon's prayer of dedication begins by acknowledging God's omnipotence and His faithfulness to those who walk before Him in wholehearted devotion. He calls on the Lord to keep His eyes and ears attentive to all the prayers made to Him in the temple and invites the Lord to enter the temple and dwell there. Offerings are given and sacrifices are made.
Fire flashes from heaven burning up the offerings and sacrifices, and the Lord comes. The priests couldn't even enter the Temple because the presence of the Lord filled it.
"When all the people of Israel saw the fire coming down and the glorious presence of the Lord filling the Temple, they fell down on the ground and worshipped and praised the Lord saying, "He is good! His faithful love endures forever." 2Chron 7:3
The Lord responds to Solomon's prayer of dedication, accepting the temple as a holy place for sacrifice to Himself. In His accepting response, the Lord speaks some familiar, loving and comforting words to His people, to us. He tells us that when we have troubles, when we have heartbreak, when we are plagued by physical and emotional famine, He is there. When we are on the bottom of the bottom, when we have parched, thirsty souls, when there is no way left but up, He says,
"Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land." 2Chron 7:14
We are safe. We are well-cared-for children of the Lord. His eyes are open, His ear attends to our cries. He will restore us. He is good! His faithful love endures forever.
Suz
King David had wanted to build the temple but his son Solomon was the one chosen, so with all his God-given wisdom, he did everything in his power to honor God with his efforts. It was public, grand scale, no holds barred adoration and honor he was giving to the Lord. The Lord blessed his works and the temple was completed, a true wonder of the world.
Solomon's prayer of dedication begins by acknowledging God's omnipotence and His faithfulness to those who walk before Him in wholehearted devotion. He calls on the Lord to keep His eyes and ears attentive to all the prayers made to Him in the temple and invites the Lord to enter the temple and dwell there. Offerings are given and sacrifices are made.
Fire flashes from heaven burning up the offerings and sacrifices, and the Lord comes. The priests couldn't even enter the Temple because the presence of the Lord filled it.
"When all the people of Israel saw the fire coming down and the glorious presence of the Lord filling the Temple, they fell down on the ground and worshipped and praised the Lord saying, "He is good! His faithful love endures forever." 2Chron 7:3
The Lord responds to Solomon's prayer of dedication, accepting the temple as a holy place for sacrifice to Himself. In His accepting response, the Lord speaks some familiar, loving and comforting words to His people, to us. He tells us that when we have troubles, when we have heartbreak, when we are plagued by physical and emotional famine, He is there. When we are on the bottom of the bottom, when we have parched, thirsty souls, when there is no way left but up, He says,
"Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land." 2Chron 7:14
We are safe. We are well-cared-for children of the Lord. His eyes are open, His ear attends to our cries. He will restore us. He is good! His faithful love endures forever.
Suz
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
fire
I love fires! We have a fireplace in our house that we use as often as we can. When we first built the house many years ago, we'd build a huge fire in the fireplace and drag our mattress into the family room. The whole family would sleep in there so we could enjoy it's warmth all night.
We also have a burn pit in our backyard where we put all our old tree limbs, boxes, scrap wood, etc to burn. Then, when it's full, on an overcast or drizzily day, Byron will light it and it burns high and bright. But that's not my favorite part of the fire. When it's burning so fiercely, the ashes fly, the smoke follows the wind and burns my eyes and throat, and I'm always on the move trying to avoid the excessive heat and debris.
My favorite part of a burn is when the light stuff, the leaves, twigs, small branches, boxes and papers are gone and all that's left are the logs from a tree or large boards and they are burning steady and hot. That's when I can pull up a chair, have a soda or coffee, and sit peacefully watching the embers pulse and glow and feel the constant warmth of the burn. It's a good place to sit alone, or with my husband, kids, or friends and think or talk about the important stuff of life. Conversation is usually quieter, deeper, than the usual day to day surface talk. Regrets are sometimes mentioned and new dreams are made and voiced. Poke the fire with a stick and it will flame up momentarily then settle back down into what it does best--burn hotly, intensely.
We have a fire in us. The fire of the Holy Spirit, that, as Jeremiah said, "is shut up in our bones," and as young Christians, we burn brightly with many flames, and often some ash and smoke. When I was younger I think I may have had more smoke and ashes than most. But now, as I'm coming to know the Lord more as my friend, as I'm learning to move close...and closer, to Him, I feel more like that fire of red hot embers. There isn't as much ash and debris, not as much smoke, there aren't as many flareups and the fire of the Lord burns deeply and steadily.
Proverbs 25:4 Take the impurities out of silver and the artist can produce a thing of beauty.
The Lord calls to us to know Him in this intense way. He will refine us with His fire. All the impurities, all the junk, will be removed and we will be fit for His perfect purpose.
Lord, burn out all that is useless and impure in my life. I want to be a vessel fit for your perfect purpose.
Above all, God is good.
Suz
We also have a burn pit in our backyard where we put all our old tree limbs, boxes, scrap wood, etc to burn. Then, when it's full, on an overcast or drizzily day, Byron will light it and it burns high and bright. But that's not my favorite part of the fire. When it's burning so fiercely, the ashes fly, the smoke follows the wind and burns my eyes and throat, and I'm always on the move trying to avoid the excessive heat and debris.
My favorite part of a burn is when the light stuff, the leaves, twigs, small branches, boxes and papers are gone and all that's left are the logs from a tree or large boards and they are burning steady and hot. That's when I can pull up a chair, have a soda or coffee, and sit peacefully watching the embers pulse and glow and feel the constant warmth of the burn. It's a good place to sit alone, or with my husband, kids, or friends and think or talk about the important stuff of life. Conversation is usually quieter, deeper, than the usual day to day surface talk. Regrets are sometimes mentioned and new dreams are made and voiced. Poke the fire with a stick and it will flame up momentarily then settle back down into what it does best--burn hotly, intensely.
We have a fire in us. The fire of the Holy Spirit, that, as Jeremiah said, "is shut up in our bones," and as young Christians, we burn brightly with many flames, and often some ash and smoke. When I was younger I think I may have had more smoke and ashes than most. But now, as I'm coming to know the Lord more as my friend, as I'm learning to move close...and closer, to Him, I feel more like that fire of red hot embers. There isn't as much ash and debris, not as much smoke, there aren't as many flareups and the fire of the Lord burns deeply and steadily.
Proverbs 25:4 Take the impurities out of silver and the artist can produce a thing of beauty.
The Lord calls to us to know Him in this intense way. He will refine us with His fire. All the impurities, all the junk, will be removed and we will be fit for His perfect purpose.
Lord, burn out all that is useless and impure in my life. I want to be a vessel fit for your perfect purpose.
Above all, God is good.
Suz
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
giving thanks to the Lord
I've been encouraged to share this testimony by someone I highly respect. Here's the story.
Mom had a small life insurance policy when she died that was divided among her children. When we went to Cabo to the Vision Casting for missions last November, the Lord impressed me to pledge my portion plus some income from her estate to Janice and Gary Dickinson's ministry in the Congo. When we returned from our trip, I sent the money to Builder's International and I hadn't heard anything since then until yesterday when I received an email from the missionary, Gary Dickinson.
He wrote this: "In light of this gift, we have begun work on the second floor of the dormitory. It took a couple of days to get all the cement, sand and rebar necessary to begin building, but today at last, the first blocks were laid for the dormitory rooms that will house pastors in training as well as church retreats and General Councils."
My heart overflows with thanks to the Lord for using my mother's money in this way. There is nothing I could have done with these funds on a personal level that would have ever come close to bringing me this indescribable joy that's in my heart right now. The Lord is better to me than anyone. He must be to let me participate in His work like this. To know that my mother has a part in this is amazing. Never in my life would I have imagined such a thing. I'm telling you this because I want to testify of the beauty of the Lord and His bountiful blessings when we obey Him but also when we give to His work. My cup runs over and over.
God is good. All the time.
Suz
Mom had a small life insurance policy when she died that was divided among her children. When we went to Cabo to the Vision Casting for missions last November, the Lord impressed me to pledge my portion plus some income from her estate to Janice and Gary Dickinson's ministry in the Congo. When we returned from our trip, I sent the money to Builder's International and I hadn't heard anything since then until yesterday when I received an email from the missionary, Gary Dickinson.
He wrote this: "In light of this gift, we have begun work on the second floor of the dormitory. It took a couple of days to get all the cement, sand and rebar necessary to begin building, but today at last, the first blocks were laid for the dormitory rooms that will house pastors in training as well as church retreats and General Councils."
My heart overflows with thanks to the Lord for using my mother's money in this way. There is nothing I could have done with these funds on a personal level that would have ever come close to bringing me this indescribable joy that's in my heart right now. The Lord is better to me than anyone. He must be to let me participate in His work like this. To know that my mother has a part in this is amazing. Never in my life would I have imagined such a thing. I'm telling you this because I want to testify of the beauty of the Lord and His bountiful blessings when we obey Him but also when we give to His work. My cup runs over and over.
God is good. All the time.
Suz
Monday, April 14, 2008
to fill or not to fill
Ever been ticked off? Aggravated by a pokey or inconsiderate driver? What about that clerk that just doesn't treat you as you feel you ought to be treated? Anybody ever get on your last nerve? It's happened to me.
I read a devotion by Max Lucado the other day and he wrote of letting drops of anger fill up your bucket until it spills over into one big messy blowup. I thought about it and it seems to be true. Each time I get aggravated by something small it's like a drop plopping into a larger container. Some days my bucket doesn't fill up so fast, but sometimes, whew! Look out, I've got a gusher and there's going to be payday coming. It's not pretty and it's not Christ-like.
The Lord chastens me afterward and of course I feel sorry about it, but it doesn't change how bad I've made someone else feel. Apologies are good, but they are not magic words that erase the hurt I've inflicted on a fellow human being. If I pull a nail out of a board, the nail's gone, but the hole still remains. So remains the sting of irritated words.
Lately, I've been thinking about these little things, these aggravations, as drops that I can either act on and add to the bucket or let it go and keep that anger bucket empty. It's been working. It doesn't mean I'm always calm and unruffled, but what it has shown me is that if I take a second--a split second--and decide whether or not it's a bucketable offense, I usually find that letting it go is the wiser decision. Letting it go has kept my bucket nearly empty for a while now. So, no blowups. No nail holes. No hurts to regret. I'm looking for the day when these little things don't even pose the question of whether or not to add it to my bucket.
I Cor 13:5 It (love) is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...
These lovely words describing true godly love convict my heart and show me more clearly where I need to move up. I won't be able to do it by completely by my own strength, but I do make choices to do good or not to do good, and the Lord is so patient and kind with me it makes me want to be more like Him than I ever have.
Lord, I want to be more like you than ever before. Fill me with your peace, your calm, your love.
Suz
I read a devotion by Max Lucado the other day and he wrote of letting drops of anger fill up your bucket until it spills over into one big messy blowup. I thought about it and it seems to be true. Each time I get aggravated by something small it's like a drop plopping into a larger container. Some days my bucket doesn't fill up so fast, but sometimes, whew! Look out, I've got a gusher and there's going to be payday coming. It's not pretty and it's not Christ-like.
The Lord chastens me afterward and of course I feel sorry about it, but it doesn't change how bad I've made someone else feel. Apologies are good, but they are not magic words that erase the hurt I've inflicted on a fellow human being. If I pull a nail out of a board, the nail's gone, but the hole still remains. So remains the sting of irritated words.
Lately, I've been thinking about these little things, these aggravations, as drops that I can either act on and add to the bucket or let it go and keep that anger bucket empty. It's been working. It doesn't mean I'm always calm and unruffled, but what it has shown me is that if I take a second--a split second--and decide whether or not it's a bucketable offense, I usually find that letting it go is the wiser decision. Letting it go has kept my bucket nearly empty for a while now. So, no blowups. No nail holes. No hurts to regret. I'm looking for the day when these little things don't even pose the question of whether or not to add it to my bucket.
I Cor 13:5 It (love) is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...
These lovely words describing true godly love convict my heart and show me more clearly where I need to move up. I won't be able to do it by completely by my own strength, but I do make choices to do good or not to do good, and the Lord is so patient and kind with me it makes me want to be more like Him than I ever have.
Lord, I want to be more like you than ever before. Fill me with your peace, your calm, your love.
Suz
Thursday, April 10, 2008
our encourager
When I was younger, I played on a women's softball team for one season. One season. It wasn't a huge dream of mine. I did it to be with a group of female friends who urged me to join them, but mostly I did it to see if I could do it at all. I wasn't any good. We had great comraderie and I even made it to first base once or twice. By the end of the season I was connecting with the ball well and there was even potential to do better. But, I was done. I'd proven to myself I could do it and was ready to move on to other things. No amount of encouragement or urging enticed me to continue.
Another time, I went to a Women's Wilderness Weekend with a friend of mine. We slept in bunks, had campfires, ate in a mess hall, wore hiking boots and camo caps, took survival classes, shot guns and wandered around the woods with other women, learning woodsy stuff. We also took the Hunter's Safety Course together and learned lots about weapons, etc. An interest of mine? At the time, yes, but mostly I did it to prove I could and because Donna encouraged me to participate.
I've done lots of things with the encouragement of others and to prove I could; painted ceramics, folk art painted, bank tellered, sewn, worked at a law office, earned my certificate at Vo-Tech for data processing, and finally, my best thing, earning my bachelor's degree by age 50. So, I have a few successes under my belt, but I never achieved them without encouragement, either from friends, family or my husband.
Now, I'm starting a quest to do something I've never had a lot of success with in the past and I need an encourager, and because I've never yet mastered this thing, it seems to me the usual suspects just aren't what I need right now. I need a super encourager. I feel afflicted by this thing I want to do and, I'll tell you, I don't want to fail as I have in the past. So...where do I go, but to the Lord.
I'm on my adventure and I'm not so different from everyone else. I'll bet you have something that you've struggled with like learning a new language, perfecting your photography skills, writing better, public speaking, making your yard beautiful, learning how to swim. What's your 'thing?' Go ahead, name it in your own mind. The thing that has conquered you so far. That thing that nags the back of your mind--"Oh, man, I'd love to do THAT!" Ask our Father to help you master it. I am.
Psalm 10:17 You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry...
Lord, you know the desires of my heart. I trust you to be my encourager and my helper.
Suz
Another time, I went to a Women's Wilderness Weekend with a friend of mine. We slept in bunks, had campfires, ate in a mess hall, wore hiking boots and camo caps, took survival classes, shot guns and wandered around the woods with other women, learning woodsy stuff. We also took the Hunter's Safety Course together and learned lots about weapons, etc. An interest of mine? At the time, yes, but mostly I did it to prove I could and because Donna encouraged me to participate.
I've done lots of things with the encouragement of others and to prove I could; painted ceramics, folk art painted, bank tellered, sewn, worked at a law office, earned my certificate at Vo-Tech for data processing, and finally, my best thing, earning my bachelor's degree by age 50. So, I have a few successes under my belt, but I never achieved them without encouragement, either from friends, family or my husband.
Now, I'm starting a quest to do something I've never had a lot of success with in the past and I need an encourager, and because I've never yet mastered this thing, it seems to me the usual suspects just aren't what I need right now. I need a super encourager. I feel afflicted by this thing I want to do and, I'll tell you, I don't want to fail as I have in the past. So...where do I go, but to the Lord.
I'm on my adventure and I'm not so different from everyone else. I'll bet you have something that you've struggled with like learning a new language, perfecting your photography skills, writing better, public speaking, making your yard beautiful, learning how to swim. What's your 'thing?' Go ahead, name it in your own mind. The thing that has conquered you so far. That thing that nags the back of your mind--"Oh, man, I'd love to do THAT!" Ask our Father to help you master it. I am.
Psalm 10:17 You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry...
Lord, you know the desires of my heart. I trust you to be my encourager and my helper.
Suz
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