my sister, Karla

My younger sister Karla died at home Wednesday afternoon and I'm still processing it all, so please bear with me.

You all know that my mom and my dear cousin died last year, but I'm noticing that the grief of losing a sibling seems different than the grief of losing an extended family member or of even a parent. There's still the shock of realization that despite the fact that I've never known a time in my life when she wasn't there, she won't be here with me any more. There's the sadness for myself that another person in my family has left me and, along with it, there's a sense of aloneness.

There's also, and this is what's different for me, what feels like a tearing away of something in my gut. Like a part of a set that's been pulled away. I'm not trying to be funny because I don't think I could feel any less humorous than I do right now, but I get a picture of something like dinner rolls that are baked with sides touching. Just before they are put into the basket, they are pulled apart and there are still fibers of the bread clinging from one to another. I feel those fibers. It pulls and it tears and I feel a tremendous sense of loss.

I feel loss for what we had as sisters and what we will now never have. Karla and I weren't soulmate siblings. In fact, our relationship was quite the opposite. We were rivals for as long as I remember. We literally fought as teens and argued as adults, but we also loved one another fiercely.

I have a couple of really nice, current memories that I am holding closely to my heart right now. I would have been a closer friend to her if she would have let me and this is what I think I miss the most. I miss the possibilities.

There's nothing that will change this now. The Lord has called her home and I will 'lean not to my own understanding' but will trust that only He knows what is best for all of us, whether it's joyous or painful.

Thanks for listening.

Above all, God is good.

Suz