changes of time

I've been an especially busy girl the last few weeks...months? I don't really know how it happened. I haven't signed up for more than usual, or at least I don't think I have. Anyway, stuff has been a poppin' lately. I'm not enjoying all of it so much.

I think I'm changing, or maybe I'm just getting to who I really am. I don't know who I'll be come my birthday. It's all new to me. I've never been this old before! I've always gone 90 to nothing when there were things to do. Run here. Run there. Make this work. Make that work. And I could do it pretty well. That's not to say I didn't become frustrated when the speed was too much. When I'm overwhelmed I get mad and I cry. Sometimes both at the same time. It's not a pretty sight. I'm leaving out a bunch of stuff here because I'm simply not too nice when I'm stretched to the maximum. My husband knows. Ask him.

I notice my body slowing down. I don't want to make myself run at getting things done. I'll get to it. I WILL GET TO IT. Just give me a few minutes. I've got 10 things on the list. The one you may want me to do is Number 6...not Number 1. And, so I slow down and get to it in my own time, with just a hint of zip. And it's becoming ok. It really is.

What I would like to do is take a few steps back and regroup. Rearrange my schedule. Reconsider my commitments. I'm beginning to understand my older sisters and brothers a bit better. We're tired. We're not out of the loop. Just a bit fatigued. And overwhelmed by the responsibility and the work that life demands.

Byron just turned 60 this month, and I'll be 58 this October. I don't feel that old. There's always a little hint of surprise when I think about our ages. What happened to the teens that were so much in love? Oh, the love has grown and deepened, but the teenage part--that's what has disappeared--it has melted into the past--along with a teen's energy, shape, and outlook on life. There's absolutely nothing that is old hat to a teen because most of them haven't done much in life yet. I know I hadn't.

Despite the change in energy levels and body, some changes are lovely. There is often a calm that slips in when I am in the midst of doing something simply pleasurable like having a conversation with my granddaughter or, yes, even holding one of my hens and stroking her long neck peacefully. Then there are the fun phone calls with dear friends, or elderly aunts. I love doing those things. What about spending an unhurried afternoon just putzying (my own word) around the house: straightening up the clutter, making banana bread and starting supper a little early because there are no external demands on my afternoon or evening. Now that's really nice. Those quiet, peaceful times look all the more attractive when I'm in a frenzy to get across town for a medical appointment or trying to figure out what's for our dinner when all I have to fix are big lumps of meatsicle that I forgot to thaw for our evening meal.

I yearn for two things. I would love to have more energy to jump into my tasks with both feet...with total abandon...and then jump back out again when I need to do so. The other is to have more moments of peacefulness with my husband, family, friends, animals and home without a plethora of things nagging at my brain.

I don't know if these two will ever call a truce. Will I learn to stop and smell the roses and forget the frenzy? At least for the moment, I rather doubt it.

Father, Even though I don't really like it, I often feel the "need for speed" but, I also long deeply for quieter times to bask in the peacefulness of simpler times. It's often tough for me to sort out, but nothing is tough for you. Help me find the balance and to still strive to live a quiet life. I love you so much. Thank you for the wonderful boy you sent my way when I was only 16. He was a real catch! I'm so grateful for our life together. You're good. So good!

Suz