pieces and parts running for the border

My best friend wrote a note to me yesterday about what her body is doing to her as she gets older. It wasn't a pretty description--but it was funny and yet sad at the same time. Then I wrote my description to her of what is going on with my body. It was sad, but still pretty funny. Kinda funny, anyhow. I told her I had to laugh to keep from crying.

As upsetting as all this physical stuff could be, it's also kind of interesting to watch it step by step. I see all this happening. The wrinkles, bumps, bulges and expanding places. Pieces and parts running for the border. Gray hairs popping up in the oddest places. Extra chins blossoming faster than I care to admit and a tummy that's racing for the finish line like its life depends on it. And it just won't stop! I could probably head it off at the pass with dieting and exercise, if I had the gumption, or the energy, or the want-to. But I don't. It's that simple. I don't.

There was a time when I had all of the above: gumption, energy and want-to. I'd diet till the cows came home and I'd exercise like a crazy woman. OK, I've never really exercised like a crazy woman. I hate exercise. It bores me and besides, it makes me tired. I know I'm supposed to have more energy when I exercise regularly but I've never had the pleasure of gaining all the over the top energy boost. It has NEVER happened for me.

This aging stuff isn't for sissies. I've never been this old before and sometimes it's pretty scary. One wrong move--a fall, a slip, anything out of the ordinary, and I could be messed up for a long time. I don't have time to be messed up for a long time!

My other best friend recently had some chest pain and had herself checked out. It turned out not to be a heart attack but just seeing the words, "not a heart attack," on the email from my dear friend since I was 9 years old shook me to my very core. Seriously, it upset me a lot. C'mon! We're not old enough for heart stuff, are we?

Oh. We are.

Yes, I read the obits last week and saw a former classmate had died...and the one before that...and the one before that.

I don't want to be incapacitated. I want to stay active and live a vital, vibrant life. And I try. I really do. I participate in extra activities often. I don't sit around a lot. But I'm telling ya that it gets harder every passing year to push to do "fun stuff." It doesn't always seem worth the effort. The older I get, the more I'm understanding why older people start staying closer and closer to home. It's just easier...and not really so bad, either.

Aging. Getting older. Getting old. Old lady. Staying active and vital and vibrant. It's a tough walk. The mind shouts one thing and the body whispers another. "Get out! Have fun! Be with friends and family! You'll love it!" versus "I'm tired. That swing looks nice. Let's have a little dinner and talk. Think I'll chill here at home."

I gotta say that life sure changes as the years pass. Some seasons are longer than others--or maybe they just feel that way. I'm curious to watch how my current season will play out. It makes me very glad to know that "the steps of the righteous are ordered of the Lord."

Thank you, Lord for ordering my steps. Help me enjoy full advantage of what you have for me. I don't want to miss anything you've planned! I ask you for energy and diligence for every day life and serving you. I love you so very much.

Suz

scooping up the underdog

She ran to me and I scooped her up into my arms. I held her and comforted her. She gets picked on by the others--a lot--so, I did more than just the loose, one armed pick-up. I wrapped both my arms around her and held her close to me. I whispered soothing words to her and she settled right down. She knew she was safe. She knew if she needed it, I'd hold her forever. There was peace in the land and in her heart.

Sylvia is the underdog. She's the one the others mistreat. She's a loner with no close friends. She was lost and undone and I rescued her. She was thirsty and I gave her water. She was scared and weary and I gave her a safe resting place.

When all was calm--when SHE was calm--when she was refreshed and renewed, I placed her feet back on the ground and she went about the business of life.

I love when Jesus scoops me into His capable arms and comforts me. I rest in Him and when I need it, He holds me forever.

Thank you, Jesus. I love you.

Suz

resting anyway

Did you ever get an email forward that warned you of a dire plot by evil men to do you harm? They are fear mongering darts of dread and terror that sit in your inbox just waiting to try and make you shake in your boots.

The first time or two I received them I thought that I should be on the look out for the fear du jour. That would be prudent and responsible. Right? Shouldn't I look for HIV infected needles taped to gas pump handles? Watch out for the parking lot perfume seller who is spritzing his victims with ether so she can be robbed or worse? What about the gang initiation ruse with the flashing car headlights?

Have any of these things ever really happened? Honestly, I doubt it, but just because I doubt it does it mean there is no evil in the world and that we will never have dangerous situations to face? Of course not. The world is filled with evil, and there are plenty of lost human beings willing to carry it out.

The Bible offers us comfort and encouragement in the Lord as our protector and defender.

Psalms 3:1-4 O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him."But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill.

Got enemies? He is a shield around us!

Need uplifting? Feeling weak? Therein lies the beauty. The Lord says when our strength is gone, He will be our strength. He is the lifter of our head! He bestows glory and lifts our head!

Lonely and scared? He answers us from His holy hill!

Sometimes circumstances in our lives seem to shake us to our very core. We feel overwhelmed and at the end of our strength and patience. We wonder how in the world will we EVER deal with this in the coming days and weeks, even months--years?

Remember the old hymn?

"Where could I go, Oh, where could I go. Seeking a refuge for my soul. Needing a friend to save me in the end. Where could I go but to the Lord?"

I'm so glad my strength and wisdom is not my own. I'm glad the Holy Spirit comforts us when we fear. I'm glad the Lord speaks to our hearts and encourages us. When we get that email or hear about something heinous on the evening news, we need not fear. We can cry out to God and rest in His protection.

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalms 4:8

Father, When we fear, where else could we go but to you? I love you and cry out to you in my hour of need. You are precious to me. I rest in you.

Suzanne

making memories with alligators

Holly, Hannah, Summer and I went to Gatorland today for a Spring break outing. I wish I could have had Amy and Sid with us too, but we couldn't work it out for this trip. We had a wonderful time though and hopefully we'll all get to go on the next one. I like having ALL my children with me!

The weather was just right, neither too hot nor too cold. We got there early enough that the crowds weren't unbearable and since the fire and remodeling a couple of years ago, the attraction was really up to date and interesting. There were alligators galore, along with shows every hour or so, a swamp walk, a train ride, and a Bird sanctuary walk that was absolutely perfect. All this for Florida resident prices of $9.99 for the day! What a bargain! Seriously!

I loved today. The girls and I haven't had a day with just us in a little while now. I've missed it. My granddaughters are growing up so quickly that I feel like I'm on a ride too fast for me. I need to hang on, slow down or just get off and it's not possible. The time train is zooming out of the station and on its route. Summer will be 9 in about 2 weeks and Hannah is already nearing 15 years old. I remember when Hannah's little embryo body was the size of a pinto bean. (we kept up with all the illustrations from the childbirth book.) I had just started community college when Holly got pregnant with her and I reconsidered going to school in case I was needed. I stayed in school an it all worked out. She was born and I still got my degree. Now Hannah's a teen and as much fun as I always dreamed she'd be. She listens when I speak about issues and shares her views. She makes me laugh with her quick dry wit and quirky sense of humor and laid back manner.

Summer is a ball of fun with curly blonde hair and, for the moment, a front toothless grin. She wants to try everything and has a blast doing it! "Wanna check out the Gator wrestling show? Sure! Wanna sit on an alligator's back? Oh, please, can I ? Can we get a snack? What time is lunch? Suzy, do you have a dollar for some M & M's? I wanna ride the train. I didn't know there was a water park. I wish I'd brought my bathing suit and a towel! Here are the white alligators--let's go in here. Oh Mommy, can I buy a bag of rocks? Will you stay at my house and play with me when we get home? Let's go outside and look at my swing and sand pile." Summer is excited about everything. She makes me stretch and extend my comfort level even when I'm a bit tired. I push so she has fun. It's good to push.

I can't help but compare my experiences with my grandmothers and my experience with my grands. I barely knew mine. They were in other states and we only made the pilgrimage a week or so every few years. Although they were kind to me, they knew little to nothing about me as an individual and were too old, or sick, (or something) to try to get to know me. Let's just say it wasn't a priority. Because I'd never known anything different than that, it didn't bother me. That's just the way it was. As I look back, though, I see that we all missed out on something that could have been priceless. They could have discovered my sense of humor, my interests and have gotten to know me. And I could have learned about them, their interests and I could have heard stories from years ago about my family heritage and history. What invaluable resources were lost because we didn't connect?

All I can do now is make a sincere effort to connect with my grandchildren. I listened to their school and family stories and their jokes. Today they listened and asked questions as I pointed out Orlando landmarks of where their grandfather and I went on our first date forty some years ago. It made me wish I'd known more about my grandparents early lives and their relationship. But all that is the proverbial water under the bridge. I must move on from where we are now.

Like today. Making memories. Hopefully making memories they will never forget. Memories that, if the Lord tarries, they will recount to their children, and who knows! Maybe my great-great grandchildren will someday hear the story of our trip to Gatorland today and what a fun day it was.

It could happen.

Father, thank you so much for our beautiful day today. The snowy egrets with their delicate lacy plumage, in the bird sanctuary, were breathtaking! I hope I never forget their pristine, white silhouettes against the dark brown water of the swamp and the gray of the sunning alligators. But mostly , thank you for precious time with my little girls who won't be little too much longer. I am so blessed by my family. I am fully blessed by each individual in it. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you so very much.

Suz

patience and change

Have you ever had circumstances in your life for any period of time that simply weren't what you wanted them to be? What do you do with them? As a rule I guess I just keep walking--sometimes stomping my feet a bit--and still hoping, praying for a change.

At this point in our lives, I thought Byron and I would be in a different place...not relationship-wise. That's good. But the daily stuff is surely different than I expected. I never thought I'd be parenting again at nearly 60 years old. But here I am--taking care of a younger family member. It gets tough sometimes. Don't get me wrong--I KNOW it could be a whole lot tougher. We don't have attitude problems or rebellion bursting at the seams. Truth is, we'd all like things to be different--even the younger family member. None of us thought life would have this setup at this point. But--here we are.

I want to find contentment in this season. I've prayed for peace and rest and I've also prayed for change. Maybe that's the problem. I've prayed all over the place. To be content--to have change! How stable is that? Sheesh! I guess if I don't receive the change I want then I would like to have contentment in this season. I'm sure glad the Lord looks on my heart and understands, because my mind is a little disheveled right now.

What do you do when the Lord directs your path and it's not one you want to be on? I've tried surrendering it all to Him. And sometimes I think I've really let the issue go--but then the discontentment comes back and I feel like I'm right back where I started!

I am so tired.

It may seem overly dramatic, but I identify with David in Psalm 69:1-2 "Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck. Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can't find a foothold. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me."

Yet I have to read further, believe God's Word and hold to v. 16 that says, "Answer my prayers, O Lord, for your unfailing love is wonderful. Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful."

I do believe that God's unfailing love is wonderful and that His mercy is plentiful. Sometimes I still want what I want, when I want it. Not a very Godly attitude, I know, but Jesus knows all about it, and it doesn't scare Him. He'll help me get where He wants me. He promised. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. Phillipians 1:5

I've got to keep walking.

Thank you, Father, for patience with me. I pray for change for the good, but I also pray for contentment where I am now. I love you so.

Suz

Rescue. No drama. No trauma.

If I've learned anything by having chickens it's that it does absolutely no good to chase a chicken. They will stay just out of your reach and keep going. Calm must be the attitude of the moment when I need to get one of my girls back into the fold, otherwise, it is an exercise in futility. Ask me how I know.

I have one little white hen, Gloriana, who regularly escapes from the chicken pen. Sometimes she has a friend with her but more often than not she's by herself. She pecks around the yard, investigates the stuff under the oak leaves right next to the pen and sometimes she goes into Byron's workshop and roosts on one of his benches. She's very social and loves to see what everyone is doing.

Yesterday, my little escapee, flew the coop (so that's where that comes from!) 4 times. Maybe she was being treated unfairly by the other chickens. Maybe she wasn't getting as much of the feed as she wanted. I don't know exactly what happened, but she left, and that's when I'd go out, capture her, put her back in the pen, go back into the house, look out the window and see she was out again! Gloriana never causes trouble outside the pen. She stays fairly close and just moseys and pecks but I get concerned about other animals chasing her or hurting her. It seems to be my worry, though, not hers.

When I go outside to put her back into the pen, I walk slowly toward her and talk softly to her like I've done ever since we got them back in October.

"Hi, honey."

"What are you doing?"

"You gonna come see your Mama?"

"I love you, honey."

When I get about 20 feet from her, I stop, bend way down, and continue to talk softly to her. That's when she comes running over to me to see what I'm doing. She loves her Mama and always comes running. Now, I could try to pick her up then but she'd probably bolt and run, so after she's a little closer, I get up and walk slowly toward the pen, talking all the time. A little closer in, I bend down again and sweet talk her some more. That's when she comes to me, I pet her on her belly and she comes closer so I can pick her up firmly, not harshly, and hold her close to me. I stroke her head and long neck gently, talking sweetly all the time. If I were rough with her or yelled at her, I'd have a much harder time taking her back to safety. She would soon learn not to come to me at all. But, I don't do things that way. We walk calmly to the pen where I set her gently over the fence and she flies down into the pen. No drama. No trauma.

I noticed some similarity between my experience with Gloriana and how the Lord often treats us. In our own "wisdom" sometimes we ignore danger and leave the safety of our faith to pick and probe around in the world, looking for the next tasty morsel. The Lord faithfully comes after us time and time again, calling our name, beckoning us with kindness and love to come back to safety, to come back to Him. He doesn't yell and chase us around. He walks along side of us, persuading us to choose right. The Holy Spirit woos us in love and when we surrender, when we allow Him to pick us up, He gently soothes our ruffled feathers. He calms us and carries us to His chosen safety, which is better than any illusion of safety we might have devised for ourselves.

Luke 19:10 The Son of Man came to look for and to save people who are lost." I'm so glad the Lord seeks after us.

I know. I know. Chickens are chickens and people are people, but sometimes the Lord uses the really simple things in my everyday experiences to show me His beauty--His infinite love for us--and I love Him for it.

Thank you, Lord for allowing me to learn about You in the subtleties of my life. I appreciate all the times you've come after me in my foolishness and wooed me back into safety and fellowship with You. I love how you keep it simple for me and how you drop your word into my heart and mind as easy as pie. I love you so very much.

Suz

changes of time

I've been an especially busy girl the last few weeks...months? I don't really know how it happened. I haven't signed up for more than usual, or at least I don't think I have. Anyway, stuff has been a poppin' lately. I'm not enjoying all of it so much.

I think I'm changing, or maybe I'm just getting to who I really am. I don't know who I'll be come my birthday. It's all new to me. I've never been this old before! I've always gone 90 to nothing when there were things to do. Run here. Run there. Make this work. Make that work. And I could do it pretty well. That's not to say I didn't become frustrated when the speed was too much. When I'm overwhelmed I get mad and I cry. Sometimes both at the same time. It's not a pretty sight. I'm leaving out a bunch of stuff here because I'm simply not too nice when I'm stretched to the maximum. My husband knows. Ask him.

I notice my body slowing down. I don't want to make myself run at getting things done. I'll get to it. I WILL GET TO IT. Just give me a few minutes. I've got 10 things on the list. The one you may want me to do is Number 6...not Number 1. And, so I slow down and get to it in my own time, with just a hint of zip. And it's becoming ok. It really is.

What I would like to do is take a few steps back and regroup. Rearrange my schedule. Reconsider my commitments. I'm beginning to understand my older sisters and brothers a bit better. We're tired. We're not out of the loop. Just a bit fatigued. And overwhelmed by the responsibility and the work that life demands.

Byron just turned 60 this month, and I'll be 58 this October. I don't feel that old. There's always a little hint of surprise when I think about our ages. What happened to the teens that were so much in love? Oh, the love has grown and deepened, but the teenage part--that's what has disappeared--it has melted into the past--along with a teen's energy, shape, and outlook on life. There's absolutely nothing that is old hat to a teen because most of them haven't done much in life yet. I know I hadn't.

Despite the change in energy levels and body, some changes are lovely. There is often a calm that slips in when I am in the midst of doing something simply pleasurable like having a conversation with my granddaughter or, yes, even holding one of my hens and stroking her long neck peacefully. Then there are the fun phone calls with dear friends, or elderly aunts. I love doing those things. What about spending an unhurried afternoon just putzying (my own word) around the house: straightening up the clutter, making banana bread and starting supper a little early because there are no external demands on my afternoon or evening. Now that's really nice. Those quiet, peaceful times look all the more attractive when I'm in a frenzy to get across town for a medical appointment or trying to figure out what's for our dinner when all I have to fix are big lumps of meatsicle that I forgot to thaw for our evening meal.

I yearn for two things. I would love to have more energy to jump into my tasks with both feet...with total abandon...and then jump back out again when I need to do so. The other is to have more moments of peacefulness with my husband, family, friends, animals and home without a plethora of things nagging at my brain.

I don't know if these two will ever call a truce. Will I learn to stop and smell the roses and forget the frenzy? At least for the moment, I rather doubt it.

Father, Even though I don't really like it, I often feel the "need for speed" but, I also long deeply for quieter times to bask in the peacefulness of simpler times. It's often tough for me to sort out, but nothing is tough for you. Help me find the balance and to still strive to live a quiet life. I love you so much. Thank you for the wonderful boy you sent my way when I was only 16. He was a real catch! I'm so grateful for our life together. You're good. So good!

Suz