changes

I thought several times this week about calling my mom and talking to her again...but before the thought is even complete, I let it go. My Mom died 3 years, 5 months and 10 days ago, on June 17, 2007. In the days before she found out she had cancer, we'd talk a lot around the holidays, mostly about cooking and recipes. We could discuss a good dinner and dessert!

Since Byron's unplanned early retirement, we are spending more time in Alabama and this year we celebrated a good Thanksgiving there with our eldest daughter, Amy, Lane and Sid and our good friends, while Holly and her family feasted with other family members in FL. It was different and even though we had a great time, I missed our usual get together with both our daughters and families.

My body is getting cranky. Walk across one field too many in the cold morning or wear the wrong shoes and it lets me know I've committed a great error that I will regret at 2 a.m. Eat right before bedtime and acid reflux will raise its ugly head. Plan too many things to do right in a row and my ability to multi-task becomes non-existent--either my brain can't--or won't--wrap itself around the list--and in which order to do them--or I just slow down to a crawl and don't come near to finishing them all.

My dog, Treasure, is having a problem with her hip. She's limping after laying in one position for a long time. There's nothing wrong with her foot. I checked. She's eleven years old, 69 in dog years, and I think she's just struggling to move around when she used to be so spry and lively as a pup--about 6 months ago. Right!

All these changes. Crazy, huh? I have a fifteen year old granddaughter! I have a ten year old granddaughter! I have an eight year old grandson! What happened? I didn't plan all this. They are growing up way too fast. Next time I blink they will be married with children of their own--if the Lord wills.

I've never been one who embraced change easily. Too many years ago, when I was a teen myself, I got upset when Pepsi Co put eight 16 oz bottles in a carton instead of the six they'd always had until then. Silly, I know, but I liked it the way it WAS and sometimes I still have trouble with changes. Oh, not so much the soda pop ones any more, but the big, life altering ones shake me up--like grandkids who are no longer my babies, painful legs in the middle of the night, limping dogs, unplanned retirement and the death of loved ones. These changes--these shifts in MY plans--have caused many fearful moments and not a few tears.

...Praise your God! He made your city secure, he blessed your children among you. He keeps the peace at your borders, he puts the best bread on your tables. He launches his promises earthward—how swift and sure they come! He spreads snow like a white fleece, he scatters frost like ashes, He broadcasts hail like birdseed—who can survive his winter? Then he gives the command and it all melts; he breathes on winter—suddenly it's spring! Psalm 147:12-18

I've been in the place where it seemed to be the middle of winter in the heat of July--when circumstances seemed bleak and disheartening and that the sun would never shine again. Sometimes I STILL feel this way. I was feeling especially overwhelmed by life changes when I found this section of verses, when I discovered that despite the depths of winter that HE allows, at His own command, it all melts and SUDDENLY IT'S SPRING! Winter may be here now, but summer is on its way. I may always struggle with change but with the Lord's breath on winter, it's going to be all right. The seasons will change. THIS season will change. What a relief!

Father, I'm so glad I'm not in charge. Even though I don't always understand your direction and choices for us, I know they are the best ones. There is one season I'm in right now that I wish would pass. Sometimes it's especially tough for me--like right now. I pray you will breathe on this winter and let it be spring. I love you so much and am trusting you for the answer to my prayer.

Suz

screaming ankles and cries for help

I had a very busy day today. I spent much of it in my best athletic shoes, running up and down the porch steps and back and forth through an unfamiliar super Walmart. By bedtime my ankles were screaming!

I took something to relieve the pain and went to bed. After dozing and waking and turning over and over again--kinda like a rotisserie chicken--I finally told Byron I was getting up for a while--but before my feet actually hit the floor, in a split second prayer--I asked the Lord why I had to get up. He said I needed to answer a friend's request for prayer. I had intended to send her a letter in the morning, but the Lord showed me that I needed to encourage her NOW.

So, that's what I did. I got up and wrote to her but since it was so late, she may not get it until morning, but I feel like I did what the Lord told me to do. It makes me wonder how many other sleepless nights the Lord tried to show me something and I didn't hear it or see it. Now I wonder if I had even asked Him why I was awake.

What strikes me most about this event tonight is the Lord's compassion for his children. Yes, my ankles hurt badly--but He knows how much my friend needed to hear from her friend. Her cries for help touched the heart of God himself. Her pain moved the Lord to allow me a bit of misery so she could receive support from her friend.

I am so glad the Lord will get one of His children out of the bed to help another one. I'm sure there have been times He's done it for me. I pray that next time I can't sleep--for whatever reason--I will ask Him, "Why?" If I were a betting woman, I'd bet He'd tell me!

Father, thank you for having compassion on my good friend. Thank you for answering our prayers for her. Thank you for your total and merciful love. I love you with all my heart.

Suz

roses at midnight

I was sitting out on my front porch tonight waiting for Treasure to potty one more time before bed when I noticed how beautifully my roses were blooming. They are pop-out roses...I think that's the name...and they bloom like crazy! Cut them back and it's only a few days before there are oodles of blooms again! They outdid themselves tonight!

Bloom after bloom, wide open--smelling great--smiling--just waiting for someone to notice them! They are amazing, and all this at night! In the dark with no one to smell them, to gaze on their beauty, to appreciate them--and yet they bloom on! I see them and smell them, but even I go back inside because it's late.

Why all this beauty with no audience? Why is there no one to applaud and appreciate them?

Then I realized that my roses have the best audience ever. Their fragile flower lives are not insignificant. The same Lord who designed them, painted their pretty pink petals, and gave them their sweet scent appreciates them fully because nothing the Lord does is insignificant.

In the same way, our lives are designed by God. He made me just like I am--with all my quirks...and qualities. Just as He selected the exact shade of pink for each petal of my roses and their specific scent, He chose which genes came together from my gene pool to make me exactly me--from my Bryant bone structure and body shape, to my mother's nose, or to my brain function (whether quick or slow). Each one was selected especially by God to create me. Whether I specifically like each one or not, they are part of who I am.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..."Jeremiah 1:5

Even though others may not always appreciate my characteristics...even though I may not always appreciate my uniqueness...He does. I am not a mistake and neither are you! He sees me--He sees us as we are through eyes of grace and mercy. His grace and mercy!

We are His roses, so whether I feel invisible or in the spotlight, insignificant and vulnerable or valued and worthwhile, whether I feel insufficient or content--even when no one else sees--I know that He sees me and appreciates me for who I am. I am His rose at midnight.

Father, None of us are insignificant to you. Thank you for your hand in our design and for your eyes on us, your roses. We are important to you and we bask in your light even in the darkness of midnight. I love you!

Suz

searching

I've been blogging since Dec '06, and it's been more rewarding than I'd ever expected. When I started, I thought I'd write a few things and my family and close friends might read it, but I never thought anyone from another country would read what I'd typed. That is, until I put the Sitemeter on my page and found out they were reading what I'd written!

I am curious enough, or vain enough, to want to know where my readers are located. Sitemeter gives me lots of information, but no names, etc. It just lets me know where in the world my readers are. I love that those close to me are reading, but I have been constantly amazed that people all over the world are reading my blog.

Granted, there aren't a bunch of them, but over the last four years I have had readers in England, Ireland, Scotland, Sweden, and Thailand, as well as, Africa, Canada, Poland and New Zealand. Just in the last four WEEKS I have had readers in New Dehli, India, Phillipines, Turkey, Netherlands, Australia and New York City!

As far as I can tell, I don't personally know these readers, but EVERY ONE of them has one thing in common, and it's not that they love reading my blog because I'm famous the world over for my wit and wisdom. The common thread is that each one of them has searched Google for "peace of mind and heart, " or "how to find peace of mind and heart."

People the world over are shaken by the events of the day. There are floods, earthquakes, riots, financial ruin, catastrophic disease, and private emotional wars raging every moment of the day. Women and men are searching for what is lacking in their lives--stability, a firm foundation--protection in the midst of turmoil. Of course, we all want the storm, whichever one it is, to end, but we crave peace in the middle of what's raging, even more! We all do.

What did they find when they checked out my blog? Well, I have one post entitled "peace of mind and heart," dated January 16, 2008, and the first paragraph is,

John 14:27 "I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. "

How like our loving Lord to send one troubled person here, another devastated person there, to the website of a small town, southern woman, where the first words of her post are His words of true comfort and security. Only He knows what that person is struggling with or going through. Only He can DO anything about her, or his, life struggles and troubles. The Lord promises us that when we seek Him we will find Him.

Peace of mind and heart. Peace--of mind. Peace--of heart. The Lord longs to give us what we so desperately need, so much so, that he directs a young Thai student, a Swedish mom of three kids, a middle-aged Phillipino teacher, or a Turkish shopkeeper to His Word of life typed in a blog from thousands of miles away. Now, that's a loving God, and it shows us all that He can even use seemingly insignificant resources to accomplish His desires!

We are to be salt and light and know that they will give the glory to God. Our savor will show His love for us and the world. His light in us will show Him to the world! Even if it seems so to you, what you do as a child of God is not minor. He will use it for His glory. He will make it more than we can ever dream or imagine.

Father, thank you so much for your attention to our cries for peace in a turbulent world. Thank you for loving us so much that you will stop at nothing to show us your love in practical ways. I pray that anyone who reads my simple words will see You in them. I pray for deep, abiding peace for us all, in You. Thank you. I love you so very much, Lord.

Suz

quiet time and peace

The last month or so has been a whirlwind. We've been to Alabama a couple of times, Kayla has started going to community college and Byron's mom died about two weeks ago. It's been way too busy, full of new adjustments, and extremely emotional. Seems like there's no time to breathe, let alone decompress.

Some people don't like solitude or private time. For me it's a necessary thing. Without it I feel swamped with things to do--with things to think about. Sometimes I just need time to think--to unwind. To pray.

It's why I often stay up late at night. Byron goes to bed pretty early and Kayla goes to her room to do homework or whatever, I put the three pups to bed and I stay up. Sometimes I read, or research stuff on the internet, or check out friends on Facebook or just watch reruns of Law and Order. There's something calming about a quiet house. I don't have to take anybody with 4 legs and a tail outside to potty. I don't have to talk. I don't have to get up unless I want to get up. I put my mind in neutral and coast for a little while. I might think about a family issue or plans for the next few days or, if I do the best thing, I think about the Lord and talk to Him.

Those big issues, those family situations, they are the Lord's specialty. It can be hard to find someone to listen to your problems, or give you sound advice, but the Lord lives for this stuff--for these special times when we are troubled or vulnerable or just still enough to hear His voice. The Lord won't shout us down, in fact, He will do just the opposite. "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me." Rev 3:20 The Lord politely knocks and waits to be invited in--to be included in our lives. Sometimes I struggle with behaving politely...HA! I know you all are saying, "Well, YEAH!" But Jesus never bullies or yells or coerces anyone to spend time with Him. That's why it's so very special when we are alone with Him. We have His undivided attention. He listens to us. He gives us the best advice there is. He loves us enough to help us, but also enough to tell us the truth, not only about how to handle a problem but also how to handle ourselves and our shortcomings. He doesn't brow beat us down. He is the light and he simply shines on our path, on our heart, and shows us where we need to move up, to do better. There are so many places his light shines on my life and I need the down time to see them--to make plans to change them. To change them.

We all need work. There's not a one of us who is perfect in practice yet. Oh, but one of these days! I try hard most of the time to genuinely do well--to do the Lord proud. To walk in the place of peace and contentment and kindness. Sometimes, I'm there and I love it. Other times, not so much. I'm crabby and irritable and occasionally just plain mean. Yep. Mean. Not Christlike at all. Those are my most miserable days because I want so much to be better than this. I long for the best the Lord has for me, and being grumpy won't cut it. So I pray. I ask Him in and I ask the Lord to make me more like Him. I believe He will because spending time with him changes me. He changes me. It's a good thing.

My whirlwind will continue for at least the next couple of weeks--probably longer. And, I'll stay up late for time with Jesus because I won't find what I really need online or on Law and Order reruns. Knowing that he's my answer.--that He'll make a difference in my life. He's the peace I need.

Father, Thank you for your peace. Thank you for quiet time and opportunity to decompress. Thank you for knocking at my door and for guiding me in your way. I need YOUR way. I love you. Help me hear you and do what you say.

Suz

mom to mom

I've fallen down in a big way in getting to know my neighbors. Our neighbor's son died this week of a heart attack. He was 37 years old and used to wait on the school bus with our girls as kids. I took some food to the family yesterday and talked with the mom for just a few minutes and she let me pray for her and her family, but I don't really know her even though we've lived a few houses away from one another for nearly 30 years.

I knocked on the door and was invited inside where she and her other son watched a little television--passing the hours, the minutes. She seemed peaceful in her recliner as she held her coffee in one hand and tightly grasped my hand with the other. As I prayed for her, her grip grew tighter and afterward her gaze on me was strong. Not uncomfortably so, just intense--mom to mom.

I asked her a few questions about Paul. He'd already had a heart attack once before and open heart surgery. It was the second one that was fatal. His mom said he didn't want to die in the hospital. She said he wanted to be at home when it happened. I told her, "There's nothing wrong with that."

My visit was a short one. I didn't really know what more to say after praying. She thanked me for the food and I walked out the door and down the street back to our house.

Her quiet demeanor, her pain, her gaze, spoke volumes to me--deep unto deep. I can't get her off my mind and I've prayed for her often since yesterday. I don't know how mothers let their children go--even in death where there is no choice but to release them.

My heart breaks for her. Her tragedy pulls at me. I am so very sorry she is going through this--this neighbor, this stranger who lives a few houses down. Life can be so hard, so devastatingly and so unutterably sad. I pray her son was a Christian. I pray the Holy Spirit will comfort this grieving mother.

I pray I will be a better neighbor.

Lord, help me be your hand extended more than ever before. You've never let me down. I love you more than words can say.

Suz

family and Friday night

Our kids came over on Friday night for a family dinner. Something we haven't done in a while. Seems like it's been crazy lately with everything and getting together just hasn't happened. See, the thing is that getting together never "just happens." It's got to be scheduled in, planned and done deliberately. It's worth it to make the effort. We had a great time! I can't wait till we can do it again.

We didn't do anything fancy. I grilled some chicken and cooked a few side dishes. Amy brought a great salad with all the yummy accoutrement and Holly made a fantastic Not Yo' Mama's Banana Pudding for our dessert. All together, it was delicious meal! But the best part was having us all together. The girls and I laughed and talked about recipes, etc., the guys talked hunting, property, etc., and the younger ones chased chickens, carried chickens, and watched tv, while Hannah goofed off with us older girls and drove the golf cart around.

Each time I got close to one of my grandkids, I hugged and held on tight, whispering to her...or him...how much I loved each one. How glad I was to have them at my house. These children are my heart. I have missed them tremendously. I didn't want to let them go. As the evening progressed I thought about how blessed Byron and I are. I wouldn't change anything about my girls, their husbands or their children. This is the family God has given us. They are a perfect fit and I am grateful for them all.

And that's it. There's no huge story to tell. Nothing overtly exciting happened. We got together, ate a great meal, and enjoyed the evening. And for this, I am humbly grateful.

Father, thank you. Thank you! You are good to me. You are good.

Love,

Suz