Procrastination stinks. It keeps me from doing all those things I'd really like to do...all those things I plan to enjoy, all those projects I want to complete.
I've had a project on my mind and heart for over a year now and I won't start it. I'm avoiding it like the plague itself and yet I think about it daily. If I'd just get started, all this thinking about it would be productive, not wasted energy, but I know why I don't begin. I understand it from the deepest level and I'm struggling to get around it, to step over it, to get into the water, to get my feet wet and then immerse myself into something grand and personally gratifying.
My hindrance is that I'm a perfectionist. I didn't say I'm perfect. I'm far from it, but I so want to do everything perfectly and if I don't envision myself doing my heart's desire with no shortcomings and no blemishes then I just won't begin. My daughter, Holly, says we're perfectionists--we're just not very good at it! So, I'll just keep dreaming and plotting and waiting for that pristine day when the sun will shine brightly, inspiration blooms wildly, and my castle in the air becomes a reality.
I started thinking about my perfectionistic tendencies and began noticing how insidious they are and how they grab onto the tiniest detail and blow it way out of proportion. Take, for example, the simple act of brushing my teeth. If after I've brushed, I notice one little patch of "sweater" on a back tooth, for a fleeting second, I feel let down as though I've surely failed. I don't sink into despair and cease to function but I notice it and I don't feel quite up to par...just not quite "good enough."
When I'm cooking and the rice isn't perfectly tender, then my whole dish isn't great and I might as well have bought KFC and ditched the home cooked meal--at least their chicken is tasty! If I'm cleaning and don't move everything in the room every time I vacuum, then I'm a slacker and need to just stop trying to keep house. If I'm visiting with a new person and say a little something stupid or silly, something ultimately inconsequential, I replay the scene over and over in my head and end up feeling like an idiot because I didn't get the whole encounter "right."
This kind of perfectionism stymies and ruins my good efforts and casts a shadow of discontent over my day, over my heart, over all my good plans and intentions. It takes the sparkle out of my life--and I so love sparkle!
So what does this have to do with my project? Well, if I KNOW I won't be able to do it perfectly, then I just won't even begin! Then there won't be any shadows of failure or whispers of, "Stupid! what made you think you could do it anyway?" If I don't start it, then I can't fail at it. (I have noticed over the years that my inner dialogue isn't very kind to me.)
Anyway, I'm learning that perfectionism leads to procrastination and that's what's been stalling me and that I need to be kinder to myself and show myself a little grace. Then I read this:
Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know everything I do. Lord, even before I say a word, you know it. Psalms 139:1-4.
There is nothing about me he does not know. There is no failure, no oversight, no shortcoming that's a surprise to Him and yet he loves me and he blesses me because I am his child. He doesn't expect me to be perfect in my own right, by my own efforts. This is the same for all his children. We are perfect because of Jesus. I am perfect because of Jesus.
Since you are God's children, God sent the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, and the Spirit cries out, "Father!" So, now you are not a slave, you are God's child, and God will give you the blessing he promised because you are his child. Galatians 4:6-7
I am a parent and as much as I love my children, I understand they are not perfect human beings. They are human and frail as much as anyone but I love them unconditionally, and in spite of any struggles or failures, I applaud their effort to live Godly lives and be good people. How much more does our Heavenly Father love us?
I'm going to think about this some more. I'm going to hold these truths close to my heart and try to show myself more of the Lord's grace--not be so critical of myself. At least that's the goal! I don't have to make all things perfect. Reading these verses feels like a warm, snuggly hug from my Father. He loves me just as I am, so all's right with my world and I can start that project even if it's not perfect, it's mine and an effort done in love.
Thank you, Father, for your tender loving kindness to me, your daughter. I needed this soft place to land and you are here. I love you.
Suzanne
2 comments:
I think so many of us can relate to your most welcome and timely blog. As we endeavor for excellence, we often are almost paralyzed for fear of that dreaded word - failure. This "perfectionism" thing is a big deal that really does often lead to the inertia of procrastination.
Been there done that! Thanks, Suz, for helping those of us that can definitely relate feel secure that we're in good company. In the meantime, we will endeavor to shake off "procastination" and replace it with, at the least, the effort to "try again."
Thanks for your kind comment! To be open about it, the morning after I posted this blog, I was considering unpublishing it for fear of not getting it "right enough" and that maybe what I'd written wasn't "important enough" to blog about. Imagine my surprise when I found so many of my friends deal with these same issues. I want to always remember that in Christ, we are always enough!
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