if wishes were horses...

What makes us want to withdraw from the world? To keep to oneself--to hide for a while. Often, for me, it's because I need time to process events that may be hard to express openly and freely. I need time to consider the the ins and outs of a season. To think of what happened, how it happened, why it happened and what it all means in the grand scheme of things. How will it affect me in the coming days, weeks, months, and even years? How will it affect those around me, those whom I love the most?

Life has changed a lot for my husband and me in the last few years, in good ways and in some not so good ways. We have dealt with, and are still dealing with health issues, financial changes, aging issues, and relationship challenges. For the most part, it's going ok. Sometimes not well, but not always bad, either.

I think the aging thing is the most difficult. I don't want it to be, but it is. I always thought that when someone reached age 60 (I'm not quite there, yet), they felt the same as they did at 50 but they were just older. For some, maybe, but not for me. I definitely feel more tired, have many more aches and pains, sensitive stomach issues, decreased appetite, and my interests are changing. Activity is just plain harder to do--much more of an effort. I'm trying to live a healthier life by exercising some and cutting down on fats and sweets, and it works sometimes. But it's not only physical changes I've been dealing with, it's attitude changes, too, some of them not so positive, others, much better.

I think I'm more patient with sales people and older people than I ever have been but I'm less successful with rude or arrogant adults. I hesitate less when speaking up for myself, but I do it less frequently because most of the time, it's just not that big an issue. I'm also giving up offering my opinion unless asked...but don't ask, if you don't want my honest answer. When I see someone in the grip of sin, it makes me more sad than mad and I realize that it's Jesus' love he or she really needs, not my judgement.

Thinking of days past, I have regrets and wish I could change some things, but "if wishes were horses, we'd all take a ride." I can't change the past, but with the Lord's help and His gracious love, maybe I won't make many new regrets. In some ways I'm more comfortable with who I am, who the Lord made me to be, while in other ways I see so much room to grow and be more like Jesus. I feel the warmth of the Holy Spirit guiding me and helping me more every day. He really is our Helper. It's beautiful to hide away and learn from Him the things of the Lord while He comforts us with God's love.

Thank you, Father, for time to think about things and your wisdom to guide us. I can't do it on my own. I need you.

Suz