patience and change

Have you ever had circumstances in your life for any period of time that simply weren't what you wanted them to be? What do you do with them? As a rule I guess I just keep walking--sometimes stomping my feet a bit--and still hoping, praying for a change.

At this point in our lives, I thought Byron and I would be in a different place...not relationship-wise. That's good. But the daily stuff is surely different than I expected. I never thought I'd be parenting again at nearly 60 years old. But here I am--taking care of a younger family member. It gets tough sometimes. Don't get me wrong--I KNOW it could be a whole lot tougher. We don't have attitude problems or rebellion bursting at the seams. Truth is, we'd all like things to be different--even the younger family member. None of us thought life would have this setup at this point. But--here we are.

I want to find contentment in this season. I've prayed for peace and rest and I've also prayed for change. Maybe that's the problem. I've prayed all over the place. To be content--to have change! How stable is that? Sheesh! I guess if I don't receive the change I want then I would like to have contentment in this season. I'm sure glad the Lord looks on my heart and understands, because my mind is a little disheveled right now.

What do you do when the Lord directs your path and it's not one you want to be on? I've tried surrendering it all to Him. And sometimes I think I've really let the issue go--but then the discontentment comes back and I feel like I'm right back where I started!

I am so tired.

It may seem overly dramatic, but I identify with David in Psalm 69:1-2 "Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck. Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can't find a foothold. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me."

Yet I have to read further, believe God's Word and hold to v. 16 that says, "Answer my prayers, O Lord, for your unfailing love is wonderful. Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful."

I do believe that God's unfailing love is wonderful and that His mercy is plentiful. Sometimes I still want what I want, when I want it. Not a very Godly attitude, I know, but Jesus knows all about it, and it doesn't scare Him. He'll help me get where He wants me. He promised. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. Phillipians 1:5

I've got to keep walking.

Thank you, Father, for patience with me. I pray for change for the good, but I also pray for contentment where I am now. I love you so.

Suz

Rescue. No drama. No trauma.

If I've learned anything by having chickens it's that it does absolutely no good to chase a chicken. They will stay just out of your reach and keep going. Calm must be the attitude of the moment when I need to get one of my girls back into the fold, otherwise, it is an exercise in futility. Ask me how I know.

I have one little white hen, Gloriana, who regularly escapes from the chicken pen. Sometimes she has a friend with her but more often than not she's by herself. She pecks around the yard, investigates the stuff under the oak leaves right next to the pen and sometimes she goes into Byron's workshop and roosts on one of his benches. She's very social and loves to see what everyone is doing.

Yesterday, my little escapee, flew the coop (so that's where that comes from!) 4 times. Maybe she was being treated unfairly by the other chickens. Maybe she wasn't getting as much of the feed as she wanted. I don't know exactly what happened, but she left, and that's when I'd go out, capture her, put her back in the pen, go back into the house, look out the window and see she was out again! Gloriana never causes trouble outside the pen. She stays fairly close and just moseys and pecks but I get concerned about other animals chasing her or hurting her. It seems to be my worry, though, not hers.

When I go outside to put her back into the pen, I walk slowly toward her and talk softly to her like I've done ever since we got them back in October.

"Hi, honey."

"What are you doing?"

"You gonna come see your Mama?"

"I love you, honey."

When I get about 20 feet from her, I stop, bend way down, and continue to talk softly to her. That's when she comes running over to me to see what I'm doing. She loves her Mama and always comes running. Now, I could try to pick her up then but she'd probably bolt and run, so after she's a little closer, I get up and walk slowly toward the pen, talking all the time. A little closer in, I bend down again and sweet talk her some more. That's when she comes to me, I pet her on her belly and she comes closer so I can pick her up firmly, not harshly, and hold her close to me. I stroke her head and long neck gently, talking sweetly all the time. If I were rough with her or yelled at her, I'd have a much harder time taking her back to safety. She would soon learn not to come to me at all. But, I don't do things that way. We walk calmly to the pen where I set her gently over the fence and she flies down into the pen. No drama. No trauma.

I noticed some similarity between my experience with Gloriana and how the Lord often treats us. In our own "wisdom" sometimes we ignore danger and leave the safety of our faith to pick and probe around in the world, looking for the next tasty morsel. The Lord faithfully comes after us time and time again, calling our name, beckoning us with kindness and love to come back to safety, to come back to Him. He doesn't yell and chase us around. He walks along side of us, persuading us to choose right. The Holy Spirit woos us in love and when we surrender, when we allow Him to pick us up, He gently soothes our ruffled feathers. He calms us and carries us to His chosen safety, which is better than any illusion of safety we might have devised for ourselves.

Luke 19:10 The Son of Man came to look for and to save people who are lost." I'm so glad the Lord seeks after us.

I know. I know. Chickens are chickens and people are people, but sometimes the Lord uses the really simple things in my everyday experiences to show me His beauty--His infinite love for us--and I love Him for it.

Thank you, Lord for allowing me to learn about You in the subtleties of my life. I appreciate all the times you've come after me in my foolishness and wooed me back into safety and fellowship with You. I love how you keep it simple for me and how you drop your word into my heart and mind as easy as pie. I love you so very much.

Suz

changes of time

I've been an especially busy girl the last few weeks...months? I don't really know how it happened. I haven't signed up for more than usual, or at least I don't think I have. Anyway, stuff has been a poppin' lately. I'm not enjoying all of it so much.

I think I'm changing, or maybe I'm just getting to who I really am. I don't know who I'll be come my birthday. It's all new to me. I've never been this old before! I've always gone 90 to nothing when there were things to do. Run here. Run there. Make this work. Make that work. And I could do it pretty well. That's not to say I didn't become frustrated when the speed was too much. When I'm overwhelmed I get mad and I cry. Sometimes both at the same time. It's not a pretty sight. I'm leaving out a bunch of stuff here because I'm simply not too nice when I'm stretched to the maximum. My husband knows. Ask him.

I notice my body slowing down. I don't want to make myself run at getting things done. I'll get to it. I WILL GET TO IT. Just give me a few minutes. I've got 10 things on the list. The one you may want me to do is Number 6...not Number 1. And, so I slow down and get to it in my own time, with just a hint of zip. And it's becoming ok. It really is.

What I would like to do is take a few steps back and regroup. Rearrange my schedule. Reconsider my commitments. I'm beginning to understand my older sisters and brothers a bit better. We're tired. We're not out of the loop. Just a bit fatigued. And overwhelmed by the responsibility and the work that life demands.

Byron just turned 60 this month, and I'll be 58 this October. I don't feel that old. There's always a little hint of surprise when I think about our ages. What happened to the teens that were so much in love? Oh, the love has grown and deepened, but the teenage part--that's what has disappeared--it has melted into the past--along with a teen's energy, shape, and outlook on life. There's absolutely nothing that is old hat to a teen because most of them haven't done much in life yet. I know I hadn't.

Despite the change in energy levels and body, some changes are lovely. There is often a calm that slips in when I am in the midst of doing something simply pleasurable like having a conversation with my granddaughter or, yes, even holding one of my hens and stroking her long neck peacefully. Then there are the fun phone calls with dear friends, or elderly aunts. I love doing those things. What about spending an unhurried afternoon just putzying (my own word) around the house: straightening up the clutter, making banana bread and starting supper a little early because there are no external demands on my afternoon or evening. Now that's really nice. Those quiet, peaceful times look all the more attractive when I'm in a frenzy to get across town for a medical appointment or trying to figure out what's for our dinner when all I have to fix are big lumps of meatsicle that I forgot to thaw for our evening meal.

I yearn for two things. I would love to have more energy to jump into my tasks with both feet...with total abandon...and then jump back out again when I need to do so. The other is to have more moments of peacefulness with my husband, family, friends, animals and home without a plethora of things nagging at my brain.

I don't know if these two will ever call a truce. Will I learn to stop and smell the roses and forget the frenzy? At least for the moment, I rather doubt it.

Father, Even though I don't really like it, I often feel the "need for speed" but, I also long deeply for quieter times to bask in the peacefulness of simpler times. It's often tough for me to sort out, but nothing is tough for you. Help me find the balance and to still strive to live a quiet life. I love you so much. Thank you for the wonderful boy you sent my way when I was only 16. He was a real catch! I'm so grateful for our life together. You're good. So good!

Suz